euthymia (euthymia) wrote,
euthymia
euthymia

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What Do I Want Now

For eight years or maybe more
I have wanted one thing above all others
Put it before all other desires
Given it priority greater than any other ambition

Such that now, all other desires
All other ambitions
Seem hopelessly reduced, relegated to mere trivia
Since it is becoming clear that I can no longer want that thing

I lost my answer to that very important question
"What do I want?"
(which had left a still difficult, but altogether more pleasant question "how do I get what I want?")
And my whole self feels lost without that answer

Was it the wrong answer?
Is the emptiness and fear I feel the Universe sounding the "wrong answer" buzzer?
Do I go in search of a new answer?
Perhaps refurbish one of the remaining lesser ambitions

Or do I discover a new one?
One less dependent on another human being's fragile psyche
Or maybe root around in the memories of the old answer (painful that may be)
And perhaps salvage another from within its ruins
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