euthymia (euthymia) wrote,

I want it back

Wednesday evening my quest for nutritional supplements took me to Pharmaca in the Rockridge district of Oakland.

This was the neighborhood where N was living when we first started seeing each other.

She was a senior server at Oliveto, a fancy-ish place that was kind of a center of some things.

Of course it made me very wistful to be back in that neighborhood after so long and all the things that have happened since she moved from there to live with me in my house.

There is an urge that comes and goes, but it cries out within me that I want to go back. Wherever, for us to go back to wherever the turning point was, the fork in the road that led to "I have to go." I want us to go back and take the other fork. Not drift apart, not become complacent, not allow the contempt to grow.

Was there such a time? Or was what has come to pass ordained from the beginning? As recently as 2 years ago she was working with a good therapist, but stopped for reasons that I was never clear on.

I'm this way with stories I already know: I want Isildur to throw the goddamn ring into the fire, I want Gandalf to run a little faster, I want Jack Vincennes to finish his drink and get over to the motel so that Matt Reynolds won't be murdered. Each time I read the book or see the movie, some part of me roots for it to turn out differently this time.

In any case, I have been terribly lonely for her presence the past few days. I'm due over at the JFK University Counseling Center at 8 tonight and I wonder if I'm going to be able to talk about anything else. But "adjustment disorder" is categorized with the "anxiety disorders," so I should be good to go.
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